Never say the word "Gym"...

Having relinquished my title as "World's Best Husband" about 7:30 this morning for failing to make my wife's cup of coffee, I thus cannot claim to know everything one should do as a perfect husband.  (Actually, this is an upgrade - earlier this summer, when she woke at 5:00 for whatever insane reason, I routinely made her Sh*t List by 6 AM.)

However, I can tell you with all certainty what NOT to do.

Here is Exhibit 1A (of many):

The day after my summer chemistry class ended, I agreed to escort her to a craft show at the convention center in Rosemont, Illinois.  (I really must check from now on to see if she slips anything in my drinks...)

You'd think that being surrounded for - oh, about 6 hours - by literally thousands of women would be any guy's fantasy.  However, I saw so many schlump-y women wearing fanny packs, Mom jeans, and sweatshirts with cat pictures on them

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.

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(Um, sorry - I kind of blacked out remembering these images...where was I?

Oh, yeah)

While I patiently waited on the row of chairs specifically designated for beleaguered husbands to play on their Iphones, she went and made her first skirt.  Evidently, this skirt is made by having two elastic bands situated on the waist so the fabric flounces over - whatever.

When we returned home, she went to try it on.  Unfortunately, sewing the elastic bands together took the waist in by an inch or so, so she had quite an animated struggle pulling up the skirt.  

Manly Mistake #1 - Never watch your significant other try on clothes.

This can only end badly.  

For the uninitiated, it will go down in this exact four-step sequence, every time:

- she will say said item does not fit or does not look good

- she will ask your opinion (DO NOT ANSWER THIS! IT IS A TRAP!)

- she will blatantly disregard whatever you say (in case you get confused and say something anyway)

- she will mutter an expletive, say she has nothing to wear, and needs to go shopping (time to check your credit limit and kiss a Saturday goodbye...)

Even if, by some miracle the above four-step process does not occur, the accompanying bodily contortions, plumping, fluffing, and jiggling may cause sudden loss of desire or onset of nausea-like symptoms.

In my case, I even went so far as to offer an unsolicited opinion - I simply said, "Perhaps we need to start going back to the gym."

First, she gave me a lesson in female anatomy: "Dumbass - these are my HIPS, not my butt!"

Then she threw the instructors under the bus: "You idiot - they gave me the wrong instructions."

And she ended gracefully with: "You asshole."

Whereupon I mumbled something about having to go to the bathroom or unload the clothes washer and quickly left.

So, lessons learned:

- Never attend any event where the female-to-male ratio is over 95:5, unless it is sponsored by Hugh Hefner.

- When she asks your opinion on her clothes, feign a heart attack or squint and drop to your knees and say you just lost your contact lens.

And most importantly - Never, ever, say anything about anything unless directly spoken to.